New Normals

First, a preface - If you are reading this, I assume two audiences. One is in the midst of a trial perhaps grief as well. The other has or will deal with trials and grief. Everybody has stuff and while it ebbs and flows we all deal with loss, pain, turmoil, etc. as part of our human condition. My thoughts on the subject of grief are shared from my experiences and perspective as I deal with my stuff. I am not claiming to be an authority on yours. My hope would be that my ponderings provokes some thoughts and questions and perhaps provide a little comfort knowing we are doing this thing called life together. So where to begin. 

Over the past couple of weeks the focus has been to begin establishing new normals. I had 27 years of normalcy or as much as you can have as a couple dealing with a chronic disease. Despite the challenges the one constant was Heidi's presence and companionship. Now that constant is absent and with it normal is gone. In the wake of losing Heidi everything is new and everything is a first. Life must be experienced anew within an entirely different context that does not include Heidi. This includes simple and routine things from watching a movie, driving to and from work, cleaning house, etc., now must be reset. Life is now experienced as a "me" and not a "we". 

So to begin this new life with just me I set goals. Over the last couple of weeks goals included going to work, a movie, to church, and outings with friends. Pretty basic stuff but not easy. Preparing for these events felt like I was suiting up for a space flight. 

The first day and week of work went pretty well. The start of a routine was good and it was great see my office family. Even a few mental gears began to move - I think - I hope. But I come home from work and it's another first. There is no "Hey honey glad you're home" or discussion about events of the day or deciding what's for supper. I walk in the house and it's just me. Rather jarring really. After being accustomed to switching mental gears to jump full throttle into home and care giving activities, there is nothing on the list. I literally have hours to figure out what I to do the rest of the evening. Time that was so scarce not long ago is now everywhere. 

And as I have contemplated time and what to do with it I had this profound revelation - I can do anything I want (well not anything). That's a very foreign thought. In dealing with MS practically our entire marriage, I described MS as fourth member of the family. There was no decision or activity in which MS didn't have the determining say. And while this unwanted family member in the form of MS and it's restraints are gone, so is the one I care for. And with this is the quandary of time.

As another first, I decided to go to the movie theatre alone for the first time ever just to see if I could do it. I did this on Friday which was always our declared movie night at home with Heidi and I alternating who picked the movie. I won't get into the details of the aftermath of this experience except to say I don't think Ford vs Farrari was intended to be a tear jerker. 

The expenditure of emotional and physical energy to step out into a new normal is difficult to explain. Why is that? Perhaps it's because I am having to choose to leave Heidi behind and step into with world with just me. The fact is Heidi is in the presence of God doing her thing and Isaac is off to college doing his thing. And that leaves me to figure out my own thing. 

As my new normal is established, the things I miss about Heidi and have appreciated receiving from others are the simple things. It's the collection of those simple everyday normal things that threaded over time become the fabric that ties us to others especially those closest to us. That kind word, warm embrace, or friendly gesture that may seem small are the things that are missed most when the one you shared them with are no longer here. 

With this in mind I have really appreciated the thoughtfulness of friends and family, and their example on how to support others. I am learning from them. Whether invitations for a meal or family event, a call, comforting gifts, etc. I am learning from others on how to hopefully be more aware of those hurting around me and better provide support and comfort. 

In light of this, perhaps normal days made up of simple things can actually be quite extraordinary.

What I do know is that I cannot establish this new normal and certainly not make it extraordinary without the strength and grace of God.  This was evidenced in the last 27 years as God sustained Heidi and I.

Heidi's message to family before departing was "Stay the Course". So I will move forward into a new normal with a course set on our eternal hope in Christ and resting on God's sovereignty and provision for my good and His glory. 

This could make for quite an adventure.

Heb. 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us

I Corinthians 9:24-25 Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable.

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Grief - A Necessary Journey

All of us have or will experience grief to varying degrees especially as it concerns the suffering and loss of those closest to us.   This is just a fact of living in a corrupt fallen world.  So what I am about to share is certainly not unique to me and many of you can speak with more eloquence and perspective to the journey of grief. 

With the loss of Heidi (on this side of Heaven) I have certainly experienced a level of grief that I never have before.  While we have some idea what grief is, it's actually sort of difficult to explain.  Webster defines grief as a "deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement."   What I do know is that grief is real and it's hard. Heidi's passing was not a surprise given her battle with MS for 27 years.  In fact the grief process started years before her passing as we together experienced many losses as the disease and her disability progressed. But even knowing the inevitability there was no way to prepare for the finality of the loss of my soul mate.   Initially there were tears for her suffering at the end of her earthly life but also a sense of relief as she had suffered for so long.  Once the activities and family visits surrounding Heidi's passing subsided I came back to an empty home AND IT HIT.   I was blasted and buried by an avalanche in the form of grief.  

The normal I had once known has collapsed leaving a huge void in time and space.  The solitude that Heidi and I once enjoyed together now easily lapses into loneliness.  Tears and emotion well up from places that I didn't know existed somewhere in the depths of my heart. And while there are periodic waves of emotion that come unexpectedly it's the gnawing in my gut that is unrelenting.  Additionally, the once organized mental folders have been strewn everywhere in my head. The mental focus that has always been there is now non-existent.  And with these and other "grief ailments" there seems to be no way to navigate around it.  Just one arduous passage through it is all that is in sight. The hardest part is that the love of my life that would have walked this path at my side consoling me with her encouraging words and comforting embrace is not here.   

I trust time through the grace of God will heal or at least callous some these wounds but I see no other way through it than to embrace the journey.  Grief is  an unwelcome but necessary companion being a by-product of having loved and been loved deeply.  For that I can be thankful.   

While difficult this is not a hopeless state.   I take great solace in the fact that God is with me and will shape my time to come for my good and His glory.   While Heidi is in a new state of joy in the presence of her Lord I am also in a new state of sorts with a clean canvas that has yet to be revealed by God's  brush of sovereign direction.  Grief will be a necessary passage as part of this unveiling journey.

A few of passages of Scripture that speak to His comfort and provision include:

Ps. 34:18 - The LORD is near to the brokenhearted. And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Ps. 56:8 - Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll — are they not in your record?

Ps. 46:1 - God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

And with that there is great hope in how all of this turns out both in the temporal and eternal.  

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